The closer I get to my due date, I can't help but wonder if I should've done things differently. In the beginning, even though I was really excited about the pregnancy, I was also pretty upset by it for making me feel so crappy all the time and for changing my body so much. Should I have done things differently? Should I have complained less or been less crabby about it?
I was so afraid of miscarrying, that I detached myself completely from the pregnancy. The stats are CRAZY. There's a 20-30% chance of miscarrying before a heartbeat is detected. After that, it drops down to 5%. When we told our parents partway into my first trimester that I was pregnant, I told them not to get too excited and to not get too crazy with buying baby things just yet.
I'm probably less detached now, especially after I started feeling PK moving. That put the pregnancy into a whole new perspective for me. It was the "Holy crap! There's a human being growing inside me!" moment of realization. At the same time, I feel as if I don't have that connection to PK that I see others having with their unborn babies. I don't talk to her. I don't rub my belly. I don't usually play music around her - I seriously keep forgetting to do that now that band practice is done for the summer. The hubby does all the talking and belly rubbing. And he likes to sing her some songs that we made up early on when we were dating (they're totally silly but could totally be put into a kiddie album - there's my lost calling!). As for me, I just poke my belly sometimes when she doesn't move for a while to make sure she's okay. When when she starts moving again, sometimes I'll say "Welcome back!" to her, and that's about it.
Will I be this detached when PK is born, or will the gush of unconditional love flow freely into me like a burst dam as soon as she makes her world début? Will I know how to hold her and calm her down if she's feeling distressed, hungry, or poopy? I really can't see myself doing that, but they say that the maternal instinct does kick in.
Hell, I have trouble taking care of myself sometimes. I'm 28 but I still feel like a kid some days. I still call my mom crying if I've got a problem or need advice. I seek parental approval all the time. I feel as if half the things I do revolve around getting an approving nod or comment from my parents. I need them to tell me that they're proud of me, and that I've done well for myself.
And now I'm supposed to do that for my own kid??? I'm just hoping that the Maternal Instinct Switch flicks on when it's supposed to...
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1 comment:
Maybe it will and maybe it won't, but either way, you will learn together. There's no sense in beating yourself up over "maybe I shouldas" -- there's every chance you'd feel the same way now, anyway. There are definitely others who feel the same way as you do. Heck, half the time I forget I'm even pregnant these days -- I'm much too busy with everything else going on! (Besides, I'll bet at least some of those other women are faking it!) ;)
As for the rush of maternal love at birth, it does happen that way for some. For others, it takes time to grow into the role. That doensn't make any one superior to another. My advice, for what it's worth, is not to worry about how you "should" be feeling before or after PK arrives. One way or another... you'll get there.
Hugs!
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