Stressed

Today is one of those days where I feel completely distraught, and I can't quite put my finger on it. There's nothing really wrong per se. Work is fine. PK is kicking away (either happily or grumpily). The weather is nice. I don't seem to be blowing up like a balloon. Nothing wrong, really.

But I feel distraught. I haven't slept well for the last couple of nights. On Sunday night, I woke up at 5am and spent the next 2 hours tossing and turning until my alarm went off. Last night I woke up distraught several times, and had a weird dream where I was being attacked by snakes. Besides that, it feels like every other day my calf muscles on both legs go into spasm in the wee hours of the morning, waking me up with a jolt and leaving me limping with tight muscles the next day. Can't figure out what that's all about.

So here I am, totally distraught, unable to concentrate on my work. After giving it a bit of thought, I think I've boiled down my distress to 4 major items.

Getting a Downtown OB
I've been seeing my regular OB/GYN for my pre-natal visits, which has been good because I really like him, but he's all the way out in north-east end of the city. I don't want to be driving at least 30 minutes come delivery time to a hospital way out there, when I could deliver at a hospital that is a 10-minute walk away from my house.

I've told him since the end of my 1st trimester to get me a referral to a downtown OB, and now, 22 weeks into the pregnancy, I still don't have a downtown OB. The one to which I was being referred isn't taking any new patients, and I'm on a waiting list for 8 others who haven't gotten back to his secretary to see if they can take me. Unfortunately my due date is on August 7th, 2008 - one day before 08.08.08. Toronto has a huge Chinese community and the number 8 is super-duper lucky in their culture. This means that many Chinese couples will be either having babies on that day, be it naturally or via C-section. Guess where that leaves me? F!ed.


Kitchen Renovations
We are currently renovating our kitchen. Well, sort of. We've put in our deposit, our design is finalized, and the materials have been ordered. Unfortunately, the work won't start until mid-May, AT BEST. That's because the cabinets won't arrive until then (if everything goes well) AND that's depending on whether or not their contractors are available to start on that date. So at this point, I'm not too optimistic that the work will be done before PK is born, and that stresses me out.

Maternity Leave Plans
That's still up in the air because I haven't heard back from my manager to see if I can swing some funky creative plan at work. Plus we're on the waiting lists for a few daycares, but a waiting list is a waiting list. What if by the time I'm back at work, we don't have a daycare to which we can send PK?

Parenting
The more I think about it, the more I wonder what kind of a parent I'll be. The hubby is great with kids, but me...well, I act like I've got a giant pole up my ass when it comes to kids. Plus, as I've seen with my own life, no matter how well you plan for your life and for your kids' lives, Life always throws you a curveball to interfere with your plans. What if I end up with a freaky Goth kid? What if my kid turns out to be uninterested in school? What if my kid succumbs to peer pressure (the bad stuff like drugs and gangs)? You can only do so much, but in the end, they're the ones making the decisions, and there's nothing you can do except give advice and see things unfold.

So yeah...I guess I know why I'm distraught. I wish I'd at least resolve one of these problems in the near future so I can cross it off the list of worries. Writing about it helps a bit though, so I guess it'll do for now.