Meltdown

Up until recently, I was proud to say that I'd had a pretty good handle on my emotions. Then I went shopping with my sister this past Saturday, and it all went to hell. It was a routine shopping trip, save for the fact that a couple of the items on my to-do list were baby-related. Item #1: I wanted to get a copy of The Pregnancy Bible, since it had been highly recommended to me by a friend. Besides, the other two books that I'd gotten a couple of months ago were a real snooze. Item #2: that same friend told me about the Bella Band, and that Motherhood Maternity carried its own knock-off version.

I guess it all started when I needed the washroom really badly. I swear my bladder must be the size of a pea at the rate that I've been going. I'd been needing to go for a while, but washrooms were nowhere nearby. We finally found a washroom near Indigo, and after using the facilities, I looked for a copy of The Pregnancy Bible. I guess this Indigo seemed to carry anything but books, so the search was a bust.

When we left the bookstore, our next stop was going to be one of the maternity stores. But as we neared the store, I just couldn't go in. I couldn't do it. At that moment, I just didn't want to be reminded of being pregnant. My sister was perplexed, and rightfully so. My behavior made no sense. One minute, I was fine, and the next, I was a wreck. I suddenly found myself fighting back tears. Usually I can keep the tears back, but not this time. They just flowed freely. What the hell was happening to me?

After I composed myself, my little breakdown started coming into focus. I guess all of my fears and anxieties had culminated into that one weird moment where I could not get a grip. I'd had a few things on my mind of late, but hadn't really expressed them to anyone. My concerns:

1. Body Image
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This getting fat business sucks. I hate it when I pass by a store with tons of cute clothes that I know I can't wear. I know that my state right now is a rather unique and privileged state, and I should not take it for granted.

2. Work
I started a new job 6 months ago, and things are finally starting to go my way. I'm in a new role where I'm finally getting to lead a team of developers, and just as things are starting to shape up, I'll have to go on maternity leave. I am torn between my career ambitions and the welfare of my unborn child. I sometimes resent PK for the timing of things, and I hate myself for thinking these thoughts. At the same time, PK was a planned child, and when you have to plan a kid and you get pregnant, the kid has to pop out eventually.

3. Ick Factor
Overall, I've just felt a perma-ick the whole time I've been pregnant. I haven't really been able to enjoy it because I'm always feeling sick in one form or another. Again, I resent Junior for making me feel this way, but I hate myself for thinking these thoughts. Again, this was a planned pregnancy, so I guess it all comes with the territory.

4. Fear
As much as I have my moments of resenting Junior, I also have my moments of extreme fear. Even though I'm past the first trimester and my chances of miscarriage have gone down dramatically, it still freaks me out that there is still a chance! And besides my fear of miscarrying, I also have a this fear that I have a dead baby growing inside of me. I know it's completely morbid, but that's the type of thing that's always in the back of my mind. It's freaking, and I consciously try not to think about it. Sub-consciously though, is another story.

Two days after my mini-breakdown, it still feels a bit surreal. I still can't believe that I lost control in that manner, and I have a feeling that there is more to come. Hopefully at least letting it out in the open and joining a class or two will help to alleviate some of this stress.

I would like to clarify that I do not in any way regret becoming pregnant. It is something that the hubby and I wanted. I guess it's just one of those things that seems relatively easy until you try it yourself.